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| Forwarded Emails; Post Funny Ones Here | |
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| Topic Started: Oct 29 2008, 03:25 PM (602 Views) | |
| Luis Cruz | Oct 29 2008, 03:25 PM Post #1 |
HULK SMASH!
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I meant to do this the other day. I fucking hate forwards BUT there are time when some are funny as shit. If you get a good one post it here. I'll start. This one i got today is only funny if you're 30 or older cause you'll get it and it's true as hell.  THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!! If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!! When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning ... uphill BOTH ways yadda, yadda, yadda And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet . If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!! There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there! There were no MP3's or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ' d usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister! We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square!You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE! When you went to the movie theater there was no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed! Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no on screen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards! And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire. imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot. That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980! Regards, The over 30 Crowd |
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| Luis Cruz | Nov 10 2008, 09:02 PM Post #2 |
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HULK SMASH!
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I can't believe no one gets funny forwards?! Here's another one that was an actual call transcribed, pretty funny read! Subject: Computer Support >>CUSTOMER SERVICE CALL. YOU MAY HAVE SEEN THIS PREVIOUSLY BUT IF YOU >>HAVEN'T, YOU'RE IN FOR A LAUGH. >> >>This has got to be one of the funniest things I've heard of in a long >>time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a >>true phone call from the WordPerfect Help line which was transcribed from >>a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say, the >>HelpDesk employee was fired; however, he is currently suing the >>WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause." This is actual >>dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. Now I know why >>they record these conversations! >> >>"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?" >> >>"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." >> >>"What sort of trouble?" >> >>"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." >> >>"Went away?" >> >>"They disappeared." >> >>"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" >> >>"Nothing." >> >>"Nothing?" >> >>"It's blank, it won't accept anything when I type." >> >>"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" >> >>"How do I tell?" >> >>"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" >> >>"What's a sea-prompt?" >> >>"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?" >> >>"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." >> >>"Does your monitor have a power indicator?" >> >>"What's a monitor?" >> >>"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a >>little light that tells you when it's on?" >> >>"I don't know." >> >>"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord >>goes into it. Can you see that?" >> >>"Yes, I think so." >> >>"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the >>wall." >> >>"Yes, it is." >> >>"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two >>cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" >> >>"No." >> >>"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other >>cable." >> >>"Okay, here it is." >> >>"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of >>your computer." >> >>"I can't reach." >> >>"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" >> >>"No." >> >>"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" >> >>"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's >>dark." >> >>"Dark?" >> >>"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from >>the window." >> >>"Well, turn on the office light then." >> >>"I can't." >> >>"No? Why not?" >> >>"Because there's a power failure." >> >>"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you >>still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" >> >>"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." >> >>"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was >>when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." >> >>"Really? Is it that bad?" >> >>"Yes, I'm afraid it is." >> >>"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" >> >>"Tell them you're too f.....ing stupid to own a computer." |
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| Luis Cruz | Nov 10 2008, 09:06 PM Post #3 |
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HULK SMASH!
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Another joke i got. Subject: Short Joke A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the heck out of my testicles. "The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! "You're sitting on the mop bucket!" |
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| Punisher | Nov 10 2008, 09:23 PM Post #4 |
THE ANDERSON OF 135!!!!!!
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I lol'e at the mop bucket one |
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TEAM NO CEILINGS(Because the sky is the limit) CAPTAIN - Fedor Emelianenko - Rogerio "Lil" Nogueira - Rodrigo "Big" Nogueira - Efrain Escudero - Jacare Souza - Matt Brown - Alan Belcher - KJ Noons - | |
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| Luis Cruz | Nov 16 2008, 09:38 AM Post #5 |
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HULK SMASH!
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Not a comedy one but a good one anyways that you can probably relate every line to somehow from your life. I Believe I Believe... That just because two people argue, It doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, It doesn't mean they do love each other. I Believe... That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change. I Believe... That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that. I Believe... That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love. I Believe... That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life. I Believe... That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be. I Believe... That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them. I Believe... That you can keep going long after you think you can't. I Believe... That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel. I Believe... that either you control your attitude or it controls you. I Believe... That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences. I Believe... That money is a lousy way of keeping score. I Believe... That my best friend and I, can do anything, or nothing and have the best time. I Believe... That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up. I Believe... That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel. I Believe... That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated. I Believe... That it isn't always enough, to be forgiven by others. sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself. I Believe... That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief. I Believe... That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but, we are responsible for who we become. I Believe... That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever. I Believe... Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different. I Believe... That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you. I Believe... That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help. I Believe... That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being. I Believe... That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon. 'The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; They just make the most of everything.' - Source Unknown |
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| patio | Nov 22 2008, 09:01 PM Post #6 |
Im Just Sayin'
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Here's one to give you a chuckle. B ULLFROGS & BLOW JOBS A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune. 'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!' 'Blow jobs!' the woman replied. 'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off! . The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this Less than riveting act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. 'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked. The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook.......you're gone.' |
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| patio | Nov 22 2008, 09:07 PM Post #7 |
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Im Just Sayin'
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And of course...... Proof that men have better friends: Friendship Between Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it. Friendship between Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there. |
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| Luis Cruz | Nov 22 2008, 10:18 PM Post #8 |
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HULK SMASH!
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shit i forgot about this thread! lol i had like 5 today that i deleted. |
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| Luis Cruz | Dec 6 2008, 10:38 AM Post #9 |
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HULK SMASH!
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you guys suck i know people get good forward emails, share them! this one is pretty funny. Nurses aren't supposed to laugh 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.' 'Okay then,' Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than the a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure. 'I'm so sorry,' said the nurse. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?' 'It's swollen,' Fred replied. |
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| Luis Cruz | Dec 7 2008, 01:18 PM Post #10 |
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HULK SMASH!
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Dear Santa I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Frend, BiLLy Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a freaking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!. Santa ******************************************************** Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa ******************************************************** Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Lego's instead. Santa ******************************************************** Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs, and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favour? Leave me a bottle of Scotch. Santa ******************************************************** Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G. I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis"nowadays? I bet you're gay. Santa ******************************************************** Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa ******************************************************** Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa ******************************************************** Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa ******************************************************** Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? Love, Marky Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, Santa |
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| Luis Cruz | Dec 8 2008, 11:07 AM Post #11 |
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HULK SMASH!
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Subject: HARRY in School................................................ A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?' Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!' Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?' Harry: '9.' Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?' Harry: '36.' And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.' Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.' The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks , 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?' Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.' Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?' The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: 'Pockets' Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?' Harry: 'Pants.' Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?' Harry: 'Coconut. The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?' The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.' Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?' Harry: 'Shake hands.' The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?' Harry: 'Firetruck.' The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.' |
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| Luis Cruz | Dec 9 2008, 03:52 PM Post #12 |
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HULK SMASH!
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HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING,'SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD' ? WELL, MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL 'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE. 'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED. HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1963. WHY DO YOU ASK?' 'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS! ' I EXCLAIMED. HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD HEADED, WRINKLED, FAT, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT OLD MAN, ASKED, 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH? |
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| patio | Dec 13 2008, 12:26 AM Post #13 |
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Im Just Sayin'
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Differences Between Grandfathers and Grandmothers A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. Just he and his granddaughter. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" "Oh yes, PaPa", the girl replied, "and you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shithead anywhere we went today!" |
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| patio | Dec 15 2008, 10:38 PM Post #14 |
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Im Just Sayin'
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THE JOURNEY OF MAN!!!!! > > > > When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. > > > > When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I > > needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. > > > > In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. > > Everything > > was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened > > suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. > > > > When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was > > totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so > > dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement. > > > > When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. > > She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did > > mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was > > great > > fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find > > a > > girl with some real ambition. > > > > When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted > > firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she > > divorced me and took everything I owned. > > > > > > > > I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits. |
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| patio | Dec 20 2008, 05:04 PM Post #15 |
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Im Just Sayin'
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A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his day with an 8-pound bass on the first cast and a 7-pounder on the second. On the third cast he had just caught his first ever bass over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water. He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never seen, with three bass over 10 pounds. He was jubilant! Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty, he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take!' 'For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver forever!' The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed. The doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just fuckin' with you. She's dead. What'd you catch?' |
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